Alcoholism destroys the lives of the full household and leaves a lasting mark on children. But evil can be freed. He spoke about this in a conversation with PCh24.pl Fr. prof. Marek Dziiewiecki.
Marta Dybińska: Priest Professor, alcoholism destroys the lives of many marriages and families; it destroys friendships, careers, self-esteem. Alcoholism destroys not only the addict, but the full environment. Why do people abuse alcohol?
Fr Marek Nine: For emotionally and spiritually mature people, alcohol is not a threat due to the fact that it does not appear to be an overly attractive substance or needed for everyday life. The existence of alcohol is not a temptation for specified people. any of the mature are abstinents, and others seldom and only in symbolic quantities. Alcohol is simply a serious threat only to those who, due to their own responsibility or the responsibility of others, are in a serious crisis, do not cope with regular responsibilities, who experience serious fears and anxiety. For specified people, alcohol becomes morbidly attractive due to the fact that it promises immediate relief. Ingested in larger amounts, it improves our temper immediately and without any effort on our part.
How does the childhood of adults already have alcoholic children (DDA) “reflection” in their later life?
Living with a parent who's an alcoholic is simply a constant, stressful child. An addict is erratic. Drunk usually screams, torments, humiliates, scares. A kid is profoundly ashamed of having a disturbed parent. He is exposed to constant stress alternatively of experiencing love. He's afraid to invitation his peers into his home. He begins to isolate himself or meets only his peers who are in a akin hard situation. There is usually no support or defence from the another parent, for he is usually trapped in codependence and in his powerlessness he is on the side of the addict. He's making the kids pretend that there's nothing incorrect at home. This affects not only the situation of the kid here and now, but besides in adult life. It becomes a mark that, like a shadow, accompanies besides after leaving the household home. In the alcoholic family, children learn impaired bonds and values. They communicate in a distorted way. statistic show that about 40% of adult Poles are from alcoholic families and that at least 1 and a half million children are now raised in families affected by this problem.
What are the characteristics of the DDA?
Adults who come from alcoholic families feel insecure and distrustful. They let individual manipulate them. They want love, and at the same time fear closer ties due to negative memories of childhood. erstwhile they start their own family, it is usually hard for them to build harmonious relationships, as the injuries and regrets of the household home will respond to their spouse and to their children. specified people are hypersensitive and emotionally volatile. They can be overly self-centered. As a result, many of them, especially in the case of men, repeat the drama of an addict parent. This is due to the fact that alcohol is the most attractive for those who endure and are not coping with life. In turn, women have an unconscious tendency to associate with men who abuse alcohol. They besides easy fall into codependence, that is, for many years they do not respond or respond in a incorrect way to the alcohol problems of their husbands or their increasing children. Healing starts by realizing the difficulties of childhood and by asking for aid from God and from competent people. In the 1970s, a support group called the Community of Adult Children of Alcoholics (DDA) was established in California. It is simply a self-help movement that refers to the program of 12 Alcoholics Anonymous Steps. Currently, DDA groups are in all major city in our country.
Is being in a relation with an alcoholic's adult kid doomed to failure?
There is no specified determination. Each case is different due to the fact that each kid and all teenager experiences and responds differently to childhood pains. any draw reasonable conclusions from their own history. They do not replicate toxic patterns and disturbed relationships in adult life. However, it is usually harder for them to build harmonious and lasting relationships than for those who had a cheerful and loving childhood. Over 60% of adults from alcoholic families endure from constant shame and harm. Sylvia says: “I am 30 years old. I am DDA. I have a wonderful, loving husband and a wonderful, wise son. I'm unhappy. If the Earth's sphere were flat, I'd run for as long as I was consumed by the universe. And that would be wonderful. Without the sense that everyone looks and laughs, as if I were wearing a shirt with an inscription: My parents are alcoholics and that is why I am nobody.”
One man, from an alcoholic family, escaped his father — an alcoholic erstwhile his parent died as a teenager. Then he besides began drinking. After a fewer years of dramatic transitions and suffering, he undertook a sobering process. He's married. Soon, 2 children were born. He describes his present situation as such: “It is undoubtedly a miracle from God. There are 4 of us, but there are no fights, no conflicts in the house. And I, the one-time drunk, inactive charged with anger and grief to the planet for a nightmare childhood, behaved correctly. Surely, however, this is thanks to his wife. Her kindness and maturity forced my change. At first, it was her gentle disposition that bothered me very much, due to the fact that I had no excuse to get free of the still-stumbling anger.”
What do you advise women who come to you for a conversation and ask for advice – they live in a relation with a man who cannot quit alcohol?
I explain to these women that they have a moral work to defend themselves and their children from a husband who has become a murderer. No husband has the right to harm and torment his loved ones due to the fact that he has vowed to love. The alcoholic spouse should be powerfully reproved first. If that doesn't change, then we gotta call the police and put on a blue card. The next steps are a judicial ban on the abuser's entry into the home, a marital separation, and a possible judicial referral to a dependent on closed therapy.
What is the point of staying in a matrimony where a man or a female suffers from alcoholism?
You gotta separate between being married and being together under 1 roof. The sacramental matrimony is inextricable, and love is unconditional. On the another hand, surviving together, raising children together, and having sex is provided that both spouses relate to each another and to their children. On the another hand, if 1 of the spouses becomes an alcoholic and becomes a tormentor, the remainder of the household should successfully defend themselves, including the marital and parental separation. There's no point in surviving under the same roof with the killer.
Some women say they like to be with a husband who even drinks, but the children are raised in a full family.
Such reasoning is simply a manifestation of highly naive thinking. It is good for children to be under the same roof with both parents only erstwhile their father and parent show love for each another erstwhile they do not hurt each another and erstwhile they do not show children disturbed patterns of life. However, the worst situation for children is erstwhile 1 parent is toxic. In specified a situation, it is definitely better for children to stay with only 1 parent who is mature and responsible.
How can you aid a kid in the alcoholic family?
The first form of aid should be to free the kid from contact with an addict. In practice, the school has the top chance to discover the problem and supply assistance. A kid usually gives clear signs that something bad is happening in his home. specified a kid is aggressive or depressed. He has difficulty learning and building social relations. In specified a situation, the school should direct the kid to a scientist or a school educator, and at the same time enter into contact with the parents of the student. If it turns out that 1 of the parents is an addict and the another is simply a co-addict, it should be reported to the household Court and to the Minors.
Can adult children of alcoholics live in freedom from addiction?
Of course I do! There's no inheritance of addiction. People with DDA syndrome, on the another hand, request greater discipline and greater consideration in everyday life due to the fact that they are burdened with childhood trauma.
